STOP ASKING YOUNG PEOPLE “ARE YOU OK?”   Start Asking Better Questions

We’re surrounded by messages telling us to check in with young people.

Are you OK? How are you feeling? Is everything alright?

These questions matter, but sometimes, we need to go a step further. Because a young person can answer “yeah, I’m fine," while carrying something they don't yet have the words to explain, and often the way we respond to what comes next determines whether they keep talking or decide they won't bother next time.

We are too quick to fix.

As adults, our instinct is to solve things. If a young person tells us they’re stressed, we give them strategies. They tell us they’ve had an argument with a friend, and we tell them what they should do. They tell us they feel like they don't fit in, and we reassure them that everything will be okay. Our intentions are good, but sometimes, the most helpful thing we can do is resist the urge to fix.

Instead, we can become curious.

Tell me more.

What’s that been like for you?

What do you think is making it feel so hard?

Do you want me to listen, help you work it out, or help you find someone who can?

The last question can be particularly powerful, as sometimes young people don't want an adult to take over; they want someone to sit beside them while they work out what comes next. 

Listening is more than being quiet.

Real listening isn't simply waiting for our turn to speak; it means putting down the phone, stopping what we're doing and resisting the temptation to compare their experience with our own. Try to avoid turning their problem into a story about when we were their age, and accept that we might not completely understand their world. Young people are growing up in a world that looks very different from the one many adults experienced. Their friendships can exist online and offline, their social lives can follow them home and their successes and mistakes can be visible to hundreds of people. They are navigating constant information, comparison, and expectations and while we don't need to understand every part of their world to listen to it, we just need to be interested enough to enter it.

Try being curious instead of corrective.

Imagine a young person comes home and says:

"I hate school. I don't want to go anymore.” The adult response might instinctively be, "You don't hate school. You've just had a bad day.” Or: “You can't just stop going. You need your education.” Or: “Everyone feels like that sometimes.” Instead, try: “What's happened today?” And then listen.

Maybe they tell you about something that happened with a friend; maybe they're overwhelmed by an assessment or just simply exhausted and dealing with hormonal changes; there is a chance something much bigger is going on. You just don't know until you create enough space for them to tell you.

Permit young people to talk badly.

One of the biggest barriers to talking about difficult things is the expectation that we need to explain ourselves perfectly. But here's the thing... Young people don't always know what they're feeling. They might be angry when they're actually hurt, say they don't care when they care enormously, or shut down because they don't have the words.

They might say, "I don't know.” And “I don't know” doesn't always mean I don't want to talk. Sometimes it means, "I don't know how to tell you,” and that's where patience matters. Instead of filling every silence, you can simply say, "That's okay. You don't have to know right now. I'm here when you want to talk.” This simple message can be incredibly powerful.

Create more opportunities for accidental conversations.

Not every important conversation needs to happen sitting at the kitchen table. In fact, sometimes that's exactly what makes it feel uncomfortable.

Try talking while:

• driving somewhere
• walking the dog
• kicking a footy
• cooking dinner
• getting coffee
• shooting hoops
• going for a swim
• doing something side-by-side.

There is something about doing an ordinary activity together that can make extraordinary conversations feel easier.

Don't always create a “mental health conversation”. 

Create more moments where conversations can happen by asking a different question. 

Instead of "Are you OK?” Try: “What's taking up the most space in your head at the moment?” 

Instead of "How was your day?” Try: “What was the best part of today? What was the hardest?” 

Instead of "Why are you so stressed?” Try: “What feels like the biggest thing on your plate right now?” 

Instead of "What do you want me to do?” Try: “Do you want me to listen, help you think it through, or help you find some support?”

Instead of "Don't worry about it.” Try: “I can see this matters to you.”

The difference isn't just the question; it's the message underneath it: I'm interested in your experience, not just in getting you through the problem.

The adult doesn't always need to be the expert.

This is perhaps one of the most important shifts we can make, as we don't need to have all the answers or know exactly what to say. We simply need to be a safe person to talk to, keeping in mind that if something is beyond what we can support, being a safe person also means knowing when to connect a young person with someone who can help. 

So, this Mental Health Awareness Month, try something different... Don't just ask a young person if they're OK; ask them something they're actually interested in answering. This is mental fitness in action.

At LifeChanger Foundation, we believe young people thrive when they have the skills, confidence and connection to navigate life's challenges. And sometimes, connection starts with something remarkably simple: someone who is willing to really listen.

*Some conversations require professional and immediate support; if you require support, please reach out to BeyondBlue, Kids Helpline, Lifeline